this feels like it will be a difficult post for me to write. here goes.
throughout the past week or two, we here at familyoga, have had some really good times. we celebrated the birth day of our youngest, dear sophia. the weather here in central indiana has finally(!!!) shifted to warm days and warm nights. and sasha actually said to me the other night, “mom, thank you for teaching us yoga. i’m so glad we’re doing this.” i smiled for days upon hearing this – i do accept her praise and gratitude with love….and a grain of salt….she is my “people pleaser”.
on the other hand, we have struggled a lot in the past few weeks as well. these issues do not particularly belong to our kids. this is stuff that brett and i struggle with. we have felt overwhelmed and exhausted – like we’ve been giving and giving and giving and giving….
now i know we receive as well – big time! for example, a dear friend literally gave brett a car last month. wow! my heart overflows with gratitude to him/for him.
our challenges (like i’m sure many of yours are), lie in the realm of the work/family/life balancing act. we have felt numerous times recently, that we are “running on empty”.
granted, it’s a busy time of year. there have been numerous school events, programs, class parties, field days – you name it; we’ve done it. so, it feels even more important that we get a break, some “down time” during this hectic period in our lives. yet, i do not know how to make this happen. when brett’s mom died four years ago, our favorite babysitter was gone. without her, brett and i average about 3 or 4 date nights a year. we have had 1 kid-free 48 hours in the past 12 years.
and another thing – daylight savings time sucks. it really sucks. in my opinion, it is one of the most UN-family friendly public policies to come through as government mandate, in recent memory. (for those of you reading this who are not from central indiana….indiana just in the past few years, implemented d.s.t. as “the law of the land”). i really want to get mitch daniels (our governor) over here to hang out with my kids each night from 8-9:30pm, when they are supposed to be in bed, but they’re not, because it’s bright as day outside. argh!
so, continuing my rant about daylight savings time…. and i ask: what about fireflies and drive-in movies and fireworks? thanks to d.s.t., none of these can occur before 10pm at night. how is that healthy for children? i want my kids to be able to play flashlight tag and catch fireflies. but, they rarely do, because it means bedtime at what….11pm. last year, we did not get home from the july 4th fireworks show until 11:30pm (with kids in tow). that is ridiculous and it really gets under my skin….end of rant. (phew)
so what does d.s.t. have to do with familyoga? well, over the winter, our kids were in bed by 8pm….so brett and i had two or three hours of “free time” before our bedtime. this two or three hours is our life boat – it’s what sustains us. now, because of the time change, kids are in bed by 9, though it’s usually closer to 9:30. brett and i get maybe 1 hour of “free time” at night. it may not sound like a huge difference, but we feel it deeply. our life boat has a hole and sometimes it feels like we’re sinking.
i had a feeling that the warm season was going to alter our familyoga rhythm, and, it has. it’s more difficult to have an open evening….what with softball games and the swimming pool is open and friends are hanging out. and i’ve been rolling with it – i tell myself, it’s ok. if some evenings are to busy, it’s ok. if i’m to tired to lead the practice, it’s ok. we’ll find our rhythm again; we always do. and the rhythm has never disappeared completely – no way, no how. i put my ear to the ground. i hear it. i rest my cheek against my daughter’s chest. i hear it. i beat on my drum. i feel it. i gaze into the eyes of people i love. i see it.
and, i know that it will all pass away – me, you, him, her – us.
the busyness too shall pass. my kids will be grown. they will move away. i’ll miss the busyness. i’ll ache to feel it again – to have a house full of children, to hear their yelling and their laughter, to see the sparkle in their eyes. i’ll miss it. when i’m old and the busyness is part of my distant past, i’ll recreate these memories in my mind; and i’ll leave out the parts about the exhaustion and the resentment. and i’ll only remember the sweetness – because….as my dear friend, kate lamont said, “time is still the great healer of all things.”
i am fully aware that my issues, as stated above, come from the heart and mind of a privileged woman – that in this country of abundance, i have the luxury of worrying about my lack of free time. i know it’s not like that in most other countries in the world. i hope that i don’t come across as ungrateful or lacking in empathy for the struggles of so many others who have many more difficulties than i. i am exceptionally grateful for what i have….and even, for what i lack. i feel awkward, slightly uncomfortable about this post. i think that’s a good thing – it must mean that it resonates with truth – that’s why it is difficult for me to express it so publicly – and why it must be seen and heard – the good times and the not-so-good times – the light and the shadow. thank you.